Inner Beauty

April 30, 2013 12:57 pm

“I SHOT A 20 YEAR OLD TODAY” (Dedicated to All Hartford Victims of Gun Violence)

I wrote this today in response to the growing number of shootings happening in my city, Hartford, today. When I was suppose to be aiding a client in making sure her mental and physical well being was good for her and her unborn child, I found that she was distraught and hurt over losing her 20 year old cousin, who was 4 months pregnant, by gunfire.

“I shot a 20 year old today. She was 4 months pregnant and excited to find out if her baby was going to be a girl or a boy. I shot and killed her joy because I didn’t have any joy of my own. I have no future, so why should she? Why should this unborn child?

I shot a 3 year old today. I killed everything that reminds me of innocence, happiness, being new and knowing nothing but love, hugs, kisses, playing in the dirt, and candy. I couldn’t deal with the memories of my broken home, abuse, domestic violence, and anger, so why should this toddler enjoy her childhood. Now, her mother, her father, her siblings can endure the pain for me. I am too weak and too cowardly to hold myself accountable for my feelings and my emotions, my past, my present and my future.

So TAKE THAT TYREK, TAKE THAT because I am inhuman. I can’t feel, I can’t empathize, I can’t cry, I’ve become so numb to the pain. Your family can shed those tears for me and you can feel the pain I’ve become so numb to. I am too weak and too cowardly to hold myself accountable for my feelings, my emotions, my past, my present, and my future.

I hate beauty, I hate clean streets, I hate unmarked buildings, and colors. I hate peaceful silence, so I make noise. “Clack, clack, clack”, crying, screaming, sirens, because the sound of children playing and family bonding disgusts me.

I don’t know how to love myself so I don’t love my community, my neighbors, the future that could be happy and safe for all of us.

I don’t value my life, so I’ll just take yours.

I shot a young woman, a young man, a child, a baby, an unborn child because I am too weak, too cowardly,and too incompetent to hold myself accountable for my feelings, my emotions,my failures, my anger, my past, my present, and my future.